Patterns Rewoven

"You have a tell right before you swing," my fencing partner said through his mask.

"I have a little wiggle," I acknowledged, and demonstrated the movement that I was well aware of and could not contain.

"Yes, that," he said, "It gives me plenty of time to block your attack."

"What if I do this?" And I started bouncing erratically.

He shrieked in surprise (not pain!) when my sword came down on his collarbone. I couldn't break my pattern, so I tried working with it instead.

Patterns are predictable. Sometimes, predictability means security. I want my income to be reliable. I want my home to be safe. I want to count on the people in my life. However, in longsword, if an opponent can predict my patterns, that's the end of the match. I'm basically saying, "I'll be over there, stab me right here."

If your pattern consistently leads to trouble, a well-meaning person would advise you to break it.

And generally, this is good advice... Except when it isn't.

Some patterns don't break. Some patterns will inevitably cause harm or hindrance despite our best efforts. Some systems are too big and run too deep. When a system routinely takes advantage of our patterns, especially the ones we can't control, it's easy to turn inward and begin breaking ourselves rather than our patterns. Well-meaning supporters may see those efforts and even encourage us to continue breaking, to grit our teeth and work through the pain. I know I don't have great control over my body. That's a pattern I can see stretching back decades. And since I'm not about to break that pattern anytime soon, I wove something else into that pattern instead. I didn't break it with brute force or sheer will. I built on it. In an inherently violent sport, I leaned into creation over destruction.

It takes extra energy to build on your patterns, to develop your fighting style, and to show up day after day. It also takes a significant amount of energy to beat yourself down. One path gives you a fighting chance; the other cannot.

I say this to myself and to you: Sit with your patterns. Which ones could be broken? Which ones could be rewoven?